My Absence
I love being a part of a local church. I believe in being in a community of believers who are all striving to be on the journey together.
But God has left me.
Every Saturday night, I say to myself, "Tomorrow, I am going to go to church." But I wake up most Sunday mornings and decide not to go. It will just be too hard.
On those few Sundays I haven't talked myself out of it, I go and I cry. The worship leader begins and on that first note, I know this is going to hurt. Pain runs through my veins where blood used to be.
There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me
But you didn't come after me. You haven't kicked any walls down and you didn't stop the lies.
A tear slips down the corner of my eye and it feels as if I have been punched in the stomach. I can't breath. I can't stay here. I can't sing these songs in my dark night.
Here's my heart, Lord
No, I can't give you my heart right now. It just hurts too much. My heart is so raw and broken. If I give it to you and it gets broken again; I just can't bare another hurt. No. I will keep my heart right now.
I am healed. I am free
But you didn't heal him on this earth. Maybe you took him to heaven to heal him, but that's not what we prayed for without doubting. We prayed without doubting and you didn't honor our prayers. Nope, I will keep my heart just where it is, Lord.
More tears. More pain. Anxiety. More emptiness. No comforter.
I feel I am wrong because I don't want to sing these songs. But in my dark night, I just can't sing the songs. I don't take this lightly and I don't mean them right now, so for now, I will not sing.
In my dark night, I wonder if the writer of the songs have experienced a dark night of the soul. Have they always felt connected to the savior? Or have they felt the absence?
You are good to me
I look around the room through tears wondering if everyone feels that he is good to them, because I don't feel that. I don't know what God's goodness is when he can allow so much pain. I know it sounds cliche, but there is so much hurt and pain in the world that he doesn't stop. He allows babies to die and mothers to cry. No, you aren't good to me.
So for now, in my dark night, I will be absent.
But God has left me.
Every Saturday night, I say to myself, "Tomorrow, I am going to go to church." But I wake up most Sunday mornings and decide not to go. It will just be too hard.
On those few Sundays I haven't talked myself out of it, I go and I cry. The worship leader begins and on that first note, I know this is going to hurt. Pain runs through my veins where blood used to be.
There's no shadow You won't light up
Mountain You won't climb up
Coming after me
There's no wall You won't kick down
Lie You won't tear down
Coming after me
But you didn't come after me. You haven't kicked any walls down and you didn't stop the lies.
A tear slips down the corner of my eye and it feels as if I have been punched in the stomach. I can't breath. I can't stay here. I can't sing these songs in my dark night.
Here's my heart, Lord
No, I can't give you my heart right now. It just hurts too much. My heart is so raw and broken. If I give it to you and it gets broken again; I just can't bare another hurt. No. I will keep my heart right now.
I am healed. I am free
But you didn't heal him on this earth. Maybe you took him to heaven to heal him, but that's not what we prayed for without doubting. We prayed without doubting and you didn't honor our prayers. Nope, I will keep my heart just where it is, Lord.
More tears. More pain. Anxiety. More emptiness. No comforter.
I feel I am wrong because I don't want to sing these songs. But in my dark night, I just can't sing the songs. I don't take this lightly and I don't mean them right now, so for now, I will not sing.
In my dark night, I wonder if the writer of the songs have experienced a dark night of the soul. Have they always felt connected to the savior? Or have they felt the absence?
You are good to me
I look around the room through tears wondering if everyone feels that he is good to them, because I don't feel that. I don't know what God's goodness is when he can allow so much pain. I know it sounds cliche, but there is so much hurt and pain in the world that he doesn't stop. He allows babies to die and mothers to cry. No, you aren't good to me.
So for now, in my dark night, I will be absent.
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